Last December 23rd I went shopping with my mom when I got off work. She had been swamped and needed a few last minute items, and let me know she realized she had nothing for me to unwrap under the tree. It’s about the worst time to go to a mall, and I really didn’t want to fight the crowds as much as I wanted to help my kind, generous mother. Normally I’m all about clothes and jewelry, but last year on this date I just wasn’t feeling them and was honestly pretty depressed.
“There has to be something you want Camille, or maybe we can go look and just find something that makes you decide you want it!”
I welled up in tears.
I had found out that morning the latest and greatest fertility treatment that really should have worked hadn’t.
“Mom, what I really want I can’t have! I want a baby, I want a fertility treatment to work!”
She sympathetically told me she knew, and the whole family was praying for me. She also asked if I wanted something for house instead to happy me up.
“We want to buy a new house, but we are saving our money for more intense treatments, and just don’t think we should put any more into this house in case we decide to move this year.”
I went with my mom, she cheered me up some, and we found an awesome skirt and some earrings, but deep down, last Christmas my heart just ached.
I had a big plan to have Jacob unwrap a baby item that said “Baby’s First Christmas” and let him know that after two years, we found the right cocktail of fertility treatments. I’d had blood work and an ultrasound every day, and for the first time, it seemed all the stars aligned. I was beyond disappointed.
Little did I know that cocktail would only work on one side, and my other wouldn’t.
The holidays are the hardest time to be a childless couple seeking a child. You look at all the happy families and the magic children bring, and no matter how hard you try to shake it off, you ache for what is missing in your life and what your heart truly longs for. I’m reminding myself this year to be extra sensitive to my friends in the adoption system, my friends who are in the thick of fertility woes, my friends who have miscarried, my single friends who wish they were married or even dating someone, and really, anyone who may be mourning on the inside like I was last year. How many of us are screaming in pain emotionally, and put on a happy face and say nothing? I’m reminded to treat everyone like they may be in this boat.
How blessed I feel that New Year’s Day brought the same cocktail back into my life on my magic left side that actually responded! How shocked I was to find out I was pregnant for my birthday in January.
For anyone whose heart is a little heavy this year, know a lot can change in a short time. So much can be made right. God has a plan for us, and it’s often better and in better timing than we thought it would be.
I’m so grateful that my friend Chrissy insisted we do some holiday shots during Mack’s newborn shoot in September- they are a sweet reminder every day that last year when everything seemed to be sad and wrong in the world, only one year later, everything is so sweet and all the more wonderful! We are thrilled to have “Baby’s First Christmas” in 2015, in a new home, as a family of three.
Merry Christmas to all, but even more to those who need a reminder that there can be cheer after the depths of despair!