I often get nostalgic and reflect on where I was a year ago at any given time, and where I’d like to be in a year.
One year ago I felt sad for Jacob, sad he may not get to be a father because of my fertility problems. Sad that there no little person would get to give him hugs and get excited to see his dad on Father’s Day. Sad that we were kind of stagnant, not really progressing towards some of our big goals. Sad that I was wrestling with some issue of faith and my role in my church.
This weekend we took the opportunity to go to the Mesa Mormon Temple. We go to do work on behalf of those who have passed binding families together. I sat there and looked at my husband thinking how we can be so uncertain and downtrodden at certain times, and only a year later life can seem so different! I felt so content with so many struggles I had had only one year prior, and almost in disbelief with how much peace was in my heart this Father’s Day weekend.
This Father’s Day, and all moving forward, I don’t want to forget the sad girl that felt such little hope a year ago. I don’t want to forget all the people who haven’t had life work out the way they want. I don’t ever want to be insensitive to those questioning their life, their faith, and their next step.
I welled up in tears at the temple thinking how many times I had plead with God for a baby. I went back even further in my life thinking how may times I’ve plead with God for a righteous and religious husband. And as I sat there I became overwhelmed with all God has given me.
There was a sweet husband who got up and made me breakfast today, because my OB told me it’s time to add more eggs to my diet for the little guy’s development. Jacob hates eggs with all his heart, and there he was, making me eggs. Already taking his role as father doing all he can in his power for this little guy. I even mentioned that I should be making him breakfast, and he told me, “Okay, I was going to start a smoothie, but you can if you really want to!” What a guy. Not a day goes by I don’t thank God for him and for how lucky I am to call him mine!
I woke up to a jumping little person in my stomach. He really likes kicking these days, and he’s a big fan of any time I eat or drink. This is always a reminder to me that he’s real, and this isn’t some dream that I’m living in. This also really overwhelms me to comprehend that this blessing is actually here, and that we’re only three months away from this little guy’s due date!
I feel like there are so many amazing examples of fatherhood in my life, and I can’t stop to think what a gift it is to know these great men, and to get to bring another future father into the world in the coming months. He will have the best example as a daddy, and the best two grandpas a kid could dream of.
I guess today I just wanted to say to all those enjoying their little people and their amazing husbands, I hope you really do stop to realize how lucky you are. To those looking to have little people, I hope you find solace and love in your spouse. But especially to anyone who looks at holidays as a time to feel the lack of something in your life, my heart goes out to you my friend. We will all struggle, we will all want for things in our life, we will all wrestle with our belief systems from time to time, and that’s fine, and actually how God intended it. I hope you keep faith and hope strong, because I am living proof that your entire life can change in only one year.