Dealing with infertility in marriage can be one of the hardest trials and experiences couples go through. But we’ve found a silver lining in the pain: here are 8 unexpected ways infertility brought us closer together as a couple.
Dealing with Infertility In Marriage
Dealing with infertility is listed as one of the most stressful things a couple can face. Between a million doctor appointments, the expenses, and emotional turmoil, there’s no question it’s a rough thing for couples to experience.
We went into our marriage knowing it would be a part of it. We also went through the struggle and guilt that comes from only one party having fertility problems.
Looking back on this painful time, it’s amazing to see the silver lining. The stress of infertility on marriage is a very real thing, but that stress can also bring couples closer together. We were lucky enough to have it lay an even greater foundation.
For any who are hoping and praying for a baby, let me add any baby making pixie dust I can to your hopes and dreams! But while you wait, please know not all is lost. While you are dealing with infertility, there’s a lot of marital joy that can come as infertility can bring you closer together.
Dealing with Infertility: 8 Unexpected Ways Infertility Brought Us Closer Together:
- We learned to adapt and change together.
I remember hearing about a friend’s parents separating as a teenager with the reasoning that they had both changed. That really bothered me as a kid. I mean how does one just change?
But the older I get, the more I understand that everyone is constantly changing.
I understand that there are opportunities to change together, to grow and progress separately and as partners. There are also ways you can grow apart. And the only thing constant is change.
Infertility was the first big obstacle that made us stop and question how far we’d go to become parents. We had a rule that we both had to be in. When infertility treatments, timing, adoption, expense, future plans, etc. came up, we had a lot of discussing to do.
Our thoughts on how life would come together changed. Our willingness to move in certain directions changed. And I’ll forever be grateful that infertility and years of uncertainty taught us how to grow close together as we changed.
- We became greater protectors of each other’s hearts.
I think I’ve always been a reasonable person, and it’s pretty difficult to offend me. But infertility brought out the hardest moments of grief and loss for something I never had. I never knew when a friend or family member would go off on a birth story and I’d have to excuse myself in tears.
Mother’s Day became a very hard thing for me for a few years. Family church and company parties could leave us both feeling really empty.
We learned to pick and choose what to do and how to protect the other person greater. I knew sometimes I just needed to say no to something because it might be too much for him. Jacob in turn was the even great protector of my heart. He was always ready to help avoid situations, offer support, and be aware of my heart while it was hurting so much.
- Memory making became our job.
Actually, it has become my job literally (which I’m forever grateful for!). But it also became where we chose to put our effort.
Each year there was no baby, another big #whitingsusetheirpassports trip was planned and executed. I couldn’t believe how much I enjoyed traveling with my husband!
One particularly rough failed infertility treatment lead him to book a quick trip to California to ride roller coasters. We love roller coasters! He’d always remind me I couldn’t ride those pregnant, and there was still life to be enjoyed and celebrated while we waited for the right timing.
- Our dating period was extended.
For many, marriage means it’s time to start a family in the near future. It did for us! But the time before children can be a very special time where you main focus and priority is each other.
Clearly, we believe in dating, and we’ve gone out every week for almost a decade now. But boy was it easier before children came along! More time with just two provided a really amazing foundation of dates that are just difficult to do with a babysitter or a time constraint.
I’m grateful we still date each other. I’m also so grateful we had four and a half years of marriage that enabled a lot of amazing dates.
- Our bond increased.
It hurts like attending a funeral each month you don’t get to be with a family member you’re hoping will join your family. My heart was ripped open so many times. Jacob’s heart too.
And yet, we kept seeing that we were still a family. Even if there were only two forever and forever, we still equal a family.
Because it’s so personal and not shared with many (if any) others, your bond as a couple grows if you let it. We embraced the pain together. We learned to cherish each other more. And the trial made us decide if we wanted to let it rip us apart or force us together.
I’m pleased to say we both chose us. And sometimes suffering can be a beautiful thing that bonds people even deeper. In the case of infertility and marriage, many couples will tell you the pain and hurt brought them closer than they ever imagined.
Infertility and Marriage
- Our relationship came into perspective.
We had moments where we wondered if we’d ever really have babies in our lives. But ultimately, there was also the faith and hope and a feeling we would. Maybe the numbers would be smaller and the timing later, but we held onto hope.
It gave us perspective. Even if and when they came, it would be a few decades of children and then time would turn us back into empty nesters.
I feel like we’re currently in a season of staying afloat keeping a baby and toddler alive. And I always smile thinking how we enjoy the ride so much more, knowing it’s a moment. And one day there will just be us again.
It’s made prioritizing each other even more important. And it’s brought a sweet perspective of seasons of life.
- It made us a team.
We fought for our children together. We are in the trenches of parenthood together. And because we had to learn to face one of the biggest things as a team, we’ve learned to face the little things as a team all the more.
- We’ve found even more joy in parenthood and marriage.
I feel like God knew what he was doing with me. I’m not the most patient person, and He made me wait for my husband and my kids. Consequently, I’ve seen them with a different set of eyes.
We may be more tired as older parents, but I’d never change the timing! Our kids are hilarious. Our time as a family is infinitely precious. When I hear other parents long for kids to grow up it always breaks my heart a little bit. Sure we all relate to the excitement of a biting phase of pre-teen attitude to pass. But really, it’s a moment that will pass. And infertility taught us both to enjoy every minute you get!
Those minutes have been a lot happier for me. And that joy seems to transcend into parenthood and marriage simultaneously.
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